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How the movie 'Alien vs. Predator' broke my heart As a more-than-avid movie watcher, I have seen my share of good, bad and ugly movies. Thanks to the newly institutionalized "flat fee" at my local Blockbuster®, I have been able to view a wide gamut of motion pictures in the last two years that I would not regularly consider paying $4+ for. I have rented my share of independent and foreign films. Both my father and I have learned to watch objectively and look for the "deeper meaning" in such films. It is with this fervor that I watch all four Alien movies and both of the predator movies. Upon hearing the news of 'Alien vs. Predator' (the movie spin-off of the comic series first noted in Dark Horse Presents #34) in Summer 2004, I became enthralled with joy and could hardly wait until late Summer 2005 to see it. Regardless, on opening night: I was there ready to go. Sure, I know Sigourney won't be there. I know Danny Glover and Arnold are probably going to be absent on this one too. I was alright with that. However, the disappointment was to grave. The only thing I can compare my brokenness and disappointment with this movie to is this: imagine you're in sixth grade, when dodge ball was life. Imagine being picked very last--after girls and fat kids and fat girls. Then it's just you there and a really cool dog walks by and both team captains fight over which team gets that cool dog on it's team. Finally, you are drafted to the dog-less team. Oh, and the captain of your team is a girl you've had a crush on since the fourth grade...and then you split your pants diving for the ball that pummels you in the eye. OK, it had a strong first 40 minutes in spite of the leading actress' best efforts. I'm sorry, this woman was horribly cast for this role. First of all, she's supposed to be leading an expedition through Antarctica, yet she has time to make sure she's wearing lipstick, eyeliner, foundation, etc. What is this? Sigourney walked around with no makeup and a dirty t-shirt. It was nice to see Bishop in this movie, even if it wasn't robot-Bishop. Let's not forget the mentoring going on between this woman and a Predator--A PREDATOR!! Just a few years ago, he had no qualms about collecting human skulls. Granted, he did spare that woman in the first predator movie, but he didn't teach her to go hunting for Aliens!! The dynamic duo of "Woman and Predator" was a joke at best. The movie kept getting less believable (hollowed-out alien head used for a shield--formerly dripping with acidic-blood that Predator, apparently, must have cleaned out using an acid-proof rag and some 409 spray). Let's not forget the mining elevator that moves at mach speed. It outran a huge explosion. Luckily, the mother alien didn't get blown apart by the explosion or crushed by 2,000 feet of icy rubble. However, that crazy alien couldn't shake itself free of a chain that was attached to it. Hence the reason for her plunge into icy water. Look out!! The alien hid itself away inside of the Predator's chest. Funny, I remember this process taking several days, and it certainly never spawned an alien that grows at such a rapid pace. Alien jumps on face; alien jumps off a few minutes later, alien emerges through body a few minutes after. Alien becomes a full-blown adult alien. Not how I remembered it, but let's get back to the Alien harboring inside of the Predator's body cavity. The Predator killed himself with a massive explosion because a tree fell on him in the first movie. He attempted to do the same when he was about to fall off of a building. But he's gonna reconsider when a freakin' ALIEN is inside of his chest?! This movie had so much potential and all I kept thinking was that my experience would be better if I add in the dialogue for the Predator since he doesn't speak. Example: Predator turns to the woman after she kills the alien. He looks at her. added dialogue in a normal guy's voice: "Thanks". Honestly, I expected something corny like that. I've decided that I'm not going to count that movie as part of the Alien or Predator series. |